Snail mail
October 2, 2021
Another in a series of observations of life as I know it.
Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.
-These words are chiseled in gray granite over the entrance to the New York City Post Office on 8th Avenue. They originated however in Book 8, Paragraph 98, of The Persian Wars by Herodotus. Mail service was obviously better in Persia…
~~~~~
Oh joy. Or rather, DeJoy. As in Louis, the Postmaster General. May I inquire as to why he is still employed? Asking for a friend. The USPS has just announced its new mail strategy which institutes higher postage costs and slower delivery schedules. Cue confetti and trumpets.
By my calculations, if you want to send out Christmas and holiday cards this year, you should have mailed them last week. But only if you want them to arrive by December 25th. Bummer. I still have bills that come by USPS. I wonder if they will give a wider berth for returning payment. Pony Express? Mule train? Stage coach? DeJoy is the gift that keeps on giving. And, guess what guys? Not only will it take longer for a letter to travel from Maine to Arizona, it will cost more as well! I just bet they don’t teach that strategy at Harvard Business School these days. Get less for more! Rates are hiking up from 55 to 58 cents for a piece of first class mail. Parcel Post is only nominally cheaper, but you are not guaranteed to receive the package in this calendar year. And forget air mail. It will be sent via tug boat around the Cape of Good Hope. Stopping frequently for other mail bundles and snacks.
So, let’s review, shall we? Say you want to send a birthday card to your great Aunt Tillie in Oregon, to arrive by November 1st. You need to go to the drug store TODAY, buy the card, stuff it, stamp it, and mail it immediately. In case you are interested, this is what the term ‘S and M’ really refers to. Maybe put another $1.25 in Forever stamps on the face of the envelope, just in case. If all else fails, it may serve as a bribe for the postal carrier. Call Aunt Tillie and tell her you are thinking of her and sending her greetings in good faith. But, there’s still no guarantee the card will get to her by November 1. And while we’re discussing it, what about the famous Forever stamps? If I have half a dozen Forever stamps in the desk drawer, and they are less than the current 58 cent rate, will my letter come back marked “insufficient postage”? Are they now surreptitiously watermarking stamps so that only the official USPS super duper xray gun can read the amount loaded on that little gummed square? Perhaps they will rename them Forever and a Day stamps? Upon purchase, a time stamp is imbedded in your postage stamps. Forever is now relative. More like, sort of a long time or at least until next week.
This will certainly date me, but when I was in college, my mom would mail me a note every week. Sometimes she’d fold a $10 bill into the stationery. The postage cost her 5 cents. I still have a packet of her letters, tied with ribbon. I guess 5 cents was expensive then as well. Postcards used to cost 2 cents. Now 2 pennies are totally worthless in and of themselves.
Well, I now have a mission. I must run to Snow’s Department store in Orleans, where Christmas cards and other seasonal decor sit cheek by jowl with Halloween and Thanksgiving doodads. They have been on the shelves since August 31st. I will buy about 100 cards and address them tonight. Dear ones, do not expect the traditional Family Christmas letter, as that will increase postage. Also, I don’t have time to write about how my family members have spent this year wearing masks and jockeying in line for Pfizer vaccines. Please don’t be disappointed that a lovely holly and ivy stamp is not on the upper right hand corner of the envelope. Holiday stamps will doubtless cost 75 cents. Just for fun, let’s do a word problem! If I use the standard flag stamp at 58 cents, times 100, plus the cost of 100 cards at $10 per box of 10, the total for my holiday missives will be approximately $158, plus tax. I have decided, therefore, that I don’t like any of you well enough to send a card. Maybe an American Greetings email card that goes straight to your iPhone. One with music and dancing dogs!
Surely old Ben Franklin, our first Postmaster General, did not envision the US Postal Service being run like the Piggly Wiggly Market. Profit and Loss, cash on the barrel head. Do you think Louis DeWoe will have a Black Friday stamp sale? Methinks the word service needs to be edited to reflect, well, the lack thereof. How about the US Postal Swindle?
I will leave you with this poem by Harvard president Charles Eliot and edited by Princeton president Woodrow Wilson, entitled “The Letter”. It is chiseled on the front of the Smithsonian’s Postal Museum:
Messenger of Sympathy and Love
Servant of Parted Friends
Consoler of the Lonely
Bond of the Scattered Family
Enlarger of the Common Life
Carrier of News and Knowledge
Instrument of Trade and Industry
Promoter of Mutual Acquaintance
Of Peace and of Goodwill Among Men and Nations.
Really? Seriously? For 58 cents Bruce Springsteen ought to come to my door, in person, and perform something a little peppier than this drivel. Sheesh.